


His Disappearing Theme

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Future, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Points of View, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-29
Updated: 2006-01-04
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:47:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Blood went everywhere. I know Iâ€™m thirteen and supposedly an adult, well at least according to my father, but I freaked.





	1. Suicide Day

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: It's been one year since my attempted suicide and 6 months since the end of QAF. I decided to marry the two in this story. I'm not sure if I should continue it.  


* * *

His Disappearing Theme (Gus’ Mental Diary)  
December 9  
Blood went everywhere. I know I’m thirteen and supposedly an adult, well at least according to my father, but I freaked. I didn’t know or anticipate the blood to splatter everywhere. I laid my head back down. My eyes began to swell with tears. My right hand dropped the knife next to the bottle of Whiskey I stole from mother’s liquor cabinet., not like she needs anymore. Now I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness. The next thing I know my eyes are forcing themselves shut. I’m laying on the bathroom floor and the tiles feel cold. Really cold. I start shivering along with my sobs. I can’t remember anything else, but feeling someone strong pick me up and slide me into a truck. Then sirens and crying. My arms are still bleeding, I know because I can feel the cold air blow on the cuts. I realize I’m outside......................

That was about five hours ago, now I’m in cotton pajamas provided by the hospital with an IV on my arm and two large bandages on each of my arms. I am tempted to look underneath, but afraid to see how many stitches I got. The room is small and it reeks of antiseptic. The walls, sheets, and chairs are a headache-causing white. I look to my left to see my father with his head on my left leg. I think he is resting. I look at the clock that is directly above the 1980 TV box. It’s 12.04 at night. My father is here next to me and I can probably bet Justin is outside. I will freak out if the two bitches are here. I guess my mind is making too much movement cause my father just woke up.   
He sits up and looks so tired, but still handsome like always. I smile, weakly, to let him know I’m okay. He smiles back and stands up. He leans down, pushes back my hair, and kisses my forehead, then he leaves.......................

The bitch appears clutching a tissue. She comes in with fake pink puffy circles underneath her devilish eyes. I drop the attitude and speak.  
“O, Lindsey lovely to see you, wasn’t expecting such unpleasant company. Don’t mind me I’m only in the hospital.”  
She starts sobbing and pulls up the tissue to dab her eyes.  
“I’ve been nothing but good to you, you little bastard. Do you how much this going to cost. I called the insurance company and they said they wouldn’t cover this. I’m going to have to pay. You little motherfucker.” She was speaking so intense spit flew out of her mouth.   
I pretended to care and made a big O with my mouth. I hadn’t realized it, but the doctor had walked in. She picked up her tissue and moved off to the side of my bed. 

“Don’t mean to interrupt, but I need to speak to the young boy for a second.”   
Evil spoke, “Can I stay?”  
“Course, you are the mother.”  
“Unfortunately.” She glared at me, but it must have been said.   
“Well, we can release you tomorrow, but to a psychiatric ward for observation.”  
This angered her, “Observation, can’t you see it was call for attention.”   
The doctor continued on, ignoring her comment. “I love this guy.” I thought.  
“Is there an alternative?” I asked, there was no way in hell I was going to a crazy hell house for “observation.”  
“Yes you could be taken in by a parent or guardian with the promise that the parent or guardian take you to psychiatric care on their own time.”

I smile. Finally words that made sense. Then the bitch spoke, “That will be perfect. I’ll take him.”  
I explode “ I’m not going with you, you malicious bitch!” I must have spoken very loud that my father came in with a surprised look upon his face.   
“Do not speak to me that way.” I look at my father, with a look of frustration and hurt. My eyes are swelling up with tears and he understands. He looks at me and sends me an “I’ll handle this.” look through his hazel eyes. “I’ll handle this.” The doctor leaves and my mother leaves unwillingly. I cover my face with my hands and sigh. He looks confused and worried. He sits by my bed and waits. 

“I don’t want to live with her, I can’t, please don’t make me.”   
“Why?”   
“She’s evil Dad, she’s always drunk and crying and she never says she’s sorry.”  
“Sorry for what.”  
“Sorry for never cooking, sorry for always yelling at me, sorry for blaming me for her divorce.”  
“They divorced.”   
“I covered my mouth with my right hand, I’m an idiot. I just told my father the one secret, one of the secrets he doesn’t know.  
“Please don’t tell her I told you.”  
“How long?”  
“A year and two months, Melanie moved out and moved away. She now lives in California with a her new girlfriend. That’s when it all started.”  
He’s silent, absorbing all the information I just revealed to him. He once again leans down, pushes back my hair, and kisses my forehead, but this time he stays. 

We’ve been quiet for a while now. He sits there staring across the room. I look up at him and ask him the question that’s been tearing me up since he entered.  
“Are you mad?” I’m pretty sure I don’t have to say at what.  
He shakes his head no. Then I proceed with another question,   
“Where’s Justin?” He turns to me and smiles. I know Justin is the only thing at this moment that can make him smile. “Outside, he wasn’t sure if you wanted visitors.”  
“He’s not just anyone, he’s my dad too.” At that he laughs and goes to get Justin. 

He comes in with real pink puffy circles underneath his blue eyes. He looks at me and smiles. I guess he’s glad I’m okay.   
I’m so happy right now I could cry. It took me trying to kill myself, but I finally got what I wanted, my fathers here with me. 

I start to clear my throat and then say the one question that really matters,   
“Can I live with you two?” There it was the question of the year, I had said it. It hung in the air. Justin looked nervously at my father and he looked at me.   
“ I think we can arrange that.” I smile, could this really be happening, was I really going to be taken away from the god-awful bitch of a mother I had. My father then said he had all the reason, that he was my parent too and that since she had let this happen to me that meant she wasn’t fit to raise me. He then left to go speak to her. Justin and I were left alone in the room. 

I love Justin, he treats me like an adult and doesn’t think because I’m thirteen I am no one. Today he looked a bit disheveled. He grew quiet, but then he found what he was going to say and said it.  
“ Gus, I...........,” There was a pause, he was sure of what he was saying, but not sure if I’d like it. I sent him a look through my eyes that put him at ease. He lowered his tone and started again.  
“I love you.” I had wished so many times to hear those words from my mother, but she wouldn’t say them, but here was Justin, a guy who wasn’t even really related to me and had said them. With the greatest ease. I could really tell he meant them. He wasn’t smile, he was serious and had the greatest look on his face. Before I can thank him I hear my father’s voice, he’s arguing with my mother. I catch bits and pieces before Justin goes and closes the door.  
“Wanna watch TV?”  
“Not really.”  
“Okay.” He pauses and then regains his composure. “How do you like it here in Canada?”  
“It sucks. It’s too fucking cold.” He laughs and I feel like we’re finally back to our old selves. He’s the only adult who doesn’t care what I say or do as long as I mean it.   
“I figured, but where we live it isn’t any cooler.”   
”I remember, I was there two summers ago.”  
“That’s true. Gus, (pauses) You don’t have to tell me why, you just got to tell me if it’s my fault. You know, that you’re here.”   
Justin is the only person who would ask that question, he’s so good, he’s always thinking about others. Wondering if he can help. They start screaming louder, even louder than before. So I answer quickly.  
“Justin, you are not the one who drinks every night and blames me for all of your problem. You not the one who hits me every now and then........” He gasps.  
Shit, I spilled another secret out. I am a stupid asshole who can’t keep his mouth shut.  
“Don’t tell my dad.”   
“I won’t, but you have to promise me that you’ll tell him.” I nod, although I know I’ll never tell him. They stop screaming and my father walks back in.   
“So it’s settled, we’re leaving tomorrow. That is after they discharge you. We’ll go to your house and get your stuff. Okay?”  
“Okay.” I manage to whisper an answer now. I don’t want to ask the details, but I wonder what information made my mother cave. My father stands proud and tired as a smirk appears on his face. Justin walks over to him and wraps his arms around his waist. They kiss. It’s soft and sweet and short as my father pulls away reminding Justin I was in the room. They’re so cute together. When they’re together I can feel their love for each other. It’s so intense and strong. It’s incredibly sweet. I feel my eyelids start to droop as sleeping is coming on. My father sits on a chair near my bed and pulls Justin onto his lap. They sit like that silent for awhile until Justin reaches for the remote and turns on the TV. He tilts his head and rests it onto my father’s shoulder. I let sleep overcome me and drift off.


	2. Like Eating Glass

  
Author's notes: If only I had two gay fathers.  


* * *

December 10

I wake to find Justin and my father still siting in the chair near my bed. They are whispering to each other and don’t know I’m awake. Justin whispers something into my father’s ear. My father closes his eyes. Justin stands up and tugs on my father’s arm until he stands up too. They tiptoe to the bathroom, my father wraps his arms around Justin’s waist as they walk into the bathroom. He closes the door behind him. Neither of them realized I was awake and watching this. I smile and chuckle thinking, “Only my father would fuck in a cramped hospital bathroom.” It’s a long time before they come, no pun intended, back out. 

When they come back out they are more giddy than before. My father walks backwards with Justin in front of him . I clear my throat and they both immediately look at me.  
“Nice of you to wake up.” My father knows I far too old for him and Justin to deny what they were doing. So he smiles and says,  
“Sonnyboy, you’re up.” Before I can say anything the nurse comes in and says,  
“Gus, the doctor will be with you in a minute.” I smile at her and she leaves.   
“Guess that means we’re almost leaving.” I chuckle, Justin can be so obvious sometimes. He looks freshly fucked with rosy cheeks and a huge smile on his face. His arms are wrapped around my father’s waist. He has his fingers in my father’s pocket and his head on my father’s shoulder. 

The doctor walks in and they separate. Justin comes to my bedside and my father sits on the chair opposite of Justin.   
”So it looks like your blood levels are stable and you are all ready to go.” Thank god. I feel like jumping up, but my legs feel sore. The nurse comes in slides the IV out and tells me to get dress. She asks my father to sign some papers and takes him out to the nurse station. The IV feels like it was still attached. My arms are sore the bandages still on. Justin asks me if he should step out. I say no and sit up. I sit up and try to get out of the bed. I feel a little weak and say,  
“Justin can you help me get up.” He jumps up and holds my arms as I slide off the bed and onto my feet. He looks for my clothes and puts them on the bed. I still feel wobbly, but I take my bag of clothes and change in the bathroom. When I come out I see my father has signed the papers and Justin and him are kissing. They break apart when I open the door. 

December 11

Before we left the nurse changed my bandages. Between the bandages I saw the cuts, 52 stitches. I grimaced at the zigzagged lines with dried blood in them. After we got to my mother’s house Justin and I went upstairs and collected my clothes and other thing I wanted to take. My father waited in the taxi below. Justin and I folded most of my clothes, underwear, and put in my shoes as well. My mother wasn’t home. When I went to get my toothbrush I say the bathroom. It was clean. No blood was on the floor, tub, or even in the sink. The knife was no where to be found either. I got curious and opened the medicine cabinet to find my suicide note was still there. I slipped it into my pocket and grabbed my toothbrush. I went downstairs. Justin had brought my suitcase down. He was putting it inside the taxi’s trunk. I followed behind him. I grabbed my book bag from the kitchen and decided this was the perfect place. I pulled out my note and left it on the kitchen table for my mother to read when she got home. I locked the door and pulled it shut. I silently said goodbye to my home and life in Canada. 

We got home late tonight. My father said we were staying at the loft till Saturday when we would drive to the real home in West Virginia. I am really tired from the 6 hour flight, but a light freaked out. It feels different to be here in Pittsburgh with my fathers and not in Canada crying because my mother got drunk again. After we put down our suitcases, Justin asks,  
“You hungry?” I shake my head no. My father shakes his as well,  
“You haven’t eaten all day. Make him a sandwich.”   
“Dad, I’m really not hungry.”   
“I don’t care. Make it Justin.”   
Justin disappears to the kitchen as my father sits down at his computer and sighs.   
”Sorry.” I mumble. Justin returns and I eat my sandwich realizing I am hungry. Justin asks, “More?” I shake my head no. I yawn. My father shuts his computer off and says,  
“You’ll sleep in our bed.”   
”Where will you sleep?”  
“On the couch.”   
He walks me to his room. I walk up the stairs and realize it’s been eight years since I’ve slept in the loft more specifically in this bed. I lay down and he tucks me in. He pulls the sheets and duvet over me. I love this feeling. When my father tucks me in, even though I far too old to be tucked in, I feel so secure except for tonight. I feel a little scared and lonely. It’s the first time away from home alone. Away from my mother’s home I mean. So I whisper in a soft childish voice,  
“Dad, can you sleep here with me?” I know I’m being completely selfish, but I want my father next to me in case I feel really scared. He looks at me and understands how freaked out I am right now. He wordlessly slips off his shoes and lays next to me. I immediately curl up and slide next to him. He hugs me as I lay my head on his chest. He kisses the top of my head and whispers,  
“Go to sleep, sonnyboy.” I shut my eyes tight and he hugs me tighter. I hear Justin at the top of the steps staring and probably smiling. I hear my father whisper he can’t make it to their date in the bathroom because he’s kinda busy right now. I smile with my eyes close and then fall asleep. 

December 12  
I woke up still in my father’s arms. I think he’s awake. Then I hear him whisper, “Morning, sonnyboy.” He sits up and I roll out of his arms. I can smell the toast and eggs Justin is cooking. My father get out of bed and heads towards the bathroom. Before he enters he tells me, “Go tell Justin we’re awake.” I oblige and get up. Justin is such a morning person. He’s cooking and making coffee. When he sees me he smiles he patented Sunshine smile. I realize he slept alone on the couch. I feel so guilty. “Sorry you slept alone last night.”   
He shakes his head and says, “You needed your father.” My father walks in and kisses Justin good morning. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I brush my teeth I think, “Two days ago I was in a hospital in Canada now I’m in the loft in Pittsburgh.” Life was finally turning around.


End file.
